Personally, I love it when the art world argues amongst itself. It’s like when comedians use self-deprecating humor to seem less smug and pompous, but for some reason the art world does it to be more smug and pompous. Recently, William Powhida (the Gary Larson of the art world) made this comic completely bashing the New Museum.
BAM! Take that multi-million dollar institution.
It ran on the cover of the Brooklyn Rail, which you don’t read if you live outside Brooklyn and its probably actually safer that way. Basically Powhida takes the NuMu to task for not actually showing new artists (NuMu recently debuted a mid-career retrospective on Elizabeth Peyton a figurative painter renowned since the 1990s), showing the same crap on crap art that the gallery scene has been touting for years, and most importantly acting as a safe haven for big-time collectors and gallerists.
It’s this last point that is most important to Powhida, and which maybe difficult to understand if you are not up to date on tax law and/or contemporary art collecting practices, oh you’re not? Read on. Museums depend on donations from art buyers to build their collections. Ever walk around the museum looking at the title cards of the art works and read, “By Generous Donation of Mr. Joe Schmo” and wonder, why the heck would someone buy a piece of art only to donate it to the museum? This is why, because the owner gets to write off the fair market value of that piece of art work. Cha-Ching! (Also here it’s important to note that artists don’t get the same preferential treatment when they decide to donate their work to group shows or auctions.) It’s whats called a Win Win Win WIN! situation. First, the artist/gallery gets to sell their work, and pay their bills. Second, the art collector gets to support the humanities and acquire an investment (they can sell the art once the artist blows up or dies, which could be the same thing for artists dealing with explosives). Third the museum gets to build its collection. Finally the collector gets to make some of that investment back come tax season.
Seem kind of corrupt? Read on. Say you are a collector (Hi collector!) and find a new artist you really like (Hi new artist I really like!). You get in on the ground level, purchasing all the animatronic horse heads from the artists graduate thesis at CMU. Awesome, big score! Now you need to off your collection (because honestly its not the type of thing you want lying around your house). You need to get some museums interested so you can collect some tax breaks from your investment. So you get the kid some shows, get some buzz going around them, and next thing you know, NuMu is calling asking you to donate “Smug Pun Title #IV”. End of story? Not quite. Your friends see what your doing and want in. They buy up all the art CMU student’s have done since graduation, upping the value of yours, and the art world starts to notice. “Hey who is this next big thing at NuMu? Why are all these important people buying their art? We want some of this art! This is really good and important!” they all scream. Next thing you know you are making it rain outside Sotheby, knee deep in hookers and blow after selling “Smug Pun Title IV”, “Untitled (Title)”, and a sweet of etchings a CMU graduate did based on his dads Playboy collection.
Need to shower? I’ll hold up…. Oh that felt nice didn’t it?
This is how it works, and its a practice as old as the art museum itself. This practice is also what is responsible for the “anything you can do I can do worse” mentality permeating through out the contemporary art world. It’s like art collectors are acting like a group of friends that like to impress each other with which one of them can find the most terrible ironic ugliest sweater from the goodwill store. I don’t want to make the collectors seem like the only bad people in this game however, as the artist’s definitely play along too. I mean Robert Mapplethorpe owes his whole entire career, life, persona, legend, etc. to the time or two he blew Sam Wagstaff.
My problem with the New Museum isn’t exactly this practice, thats going to go on whether I say something about it or don’t, because really Bruce Tennyson doesn’t have that much clout or money to stop it. My problem is the New Museum. The whole idea around is like watching the art world jerk itself off, which, SURPRISE!, isn’t really all that great to see. Its like when artists call themselves post modern. You fucking can’t call yourself that. History decides what to call you, and history decides whats worthy and important enough to go into a museum. The New Museum can’t exist, its an idea thats not obtainable. We can have a “Contemporary Art Museum” that shows only art of the last decade or so (see Elizabeth Peyton) but a “New Museum” is just dumb.
Listen, don’t think I have a problem with new art… I don’t, I absolutely love new art, but thats what galleries are for. For my money, nothing is funner than bundling up on a cool crisp fall day and lazily walking around Chelsea, River North, or Queen Street and seeing some of the funnest, dumbest, most thought provoking, senseless, beautiful, ugly, simplistic, complicated art being produced today. It just pains me to think, someone wants to take some of that and turn it into something more like this.
Lately I have met/overheard/eavesdropped/tried to ignore a lot of people that are most certainly full of themselves. I mean, these people think they are the S.H.I.T. So, I have decided to create a category on our blog dedicated to these people. I’ll call it “I’m really important.” Occasionally I will summarize the conversations that I overheard/had with these people. I will leave their names out in an attempt to keep it anonymous. Here’s two quick examples with plenty more to come. Enjoy!
Example #1
Hi. I’m famous. Er…I’m a grad student. I mean, I’m only getting my masters so I can get my PhD. I’m studying arts management. Actually, what I meant to say is…I’m a curator. I have an interview next week at Disney. But I work at Whole Foods right now and my parents pay my rent. See how important I am? Let me tell you a little about myself.
For no reason whatsoever, I have a chip on my shoulder. But I shouldn’t eat it because I will have the immediate urge to throw it up (i’m bulimic). I look this good for a reason. Not to mention daddy paid for me to get plastic surgery when I was in high school. So what I got a boob job before I was a fully developed teen? I got all kinds of attention! Speaking of getting attention, see how I’m sitting in my chair right now? Well, not really sitting. More like awkwardly lying in a chair with my legs somehow intertwined and propped up via the table. This shows how totally cool and fashionable I am. Forget sitting like normal folks in chairs, I’m so jaded by normality. Watch me break the boundaries of spacial relations by sitting like this. I’m an avant-garde sitter, sitting upright is so Duchamp. Wait what? He is considered an avant-garde artist? Oh shit. Um…you got me, I was drunk that day during Art History seminar.
But seriously, who cares about art history. Art history is like sitting upright in your chair. Lets go party like artists instead! That means we do body shots and blow, right? No?
Example #2
I don’t know if you know this about me, but I know everything. See that guy over there? I know him. He’s a big deal. Therefore I’m a big deal because I know him. Speaking of knowing people, one of the biggest gallery owners in the city offered me a job but I turned it down to become a fashion photographer. That’s where it’s at these days. It’s the highest sought after job for a photographer; and I know people. By the way, I’m bisexual. I think. That makes me different right? I’m so different.
Example #1
Hi. I’m famous. Er…I’m a grad student. I mean, I’m only getting my masters so I can get my PhD. I’m studying arts management. Actually, what I meant to say is…I’m a curator. I have an interview next week at Disney. But I work at Whole Foods right now and my parents pay my rent. See how important I am? Let me tell you a little about myself.
For no reason whatsoever, I have a chip on my shoulder. But I shouldn’t eat it because I will have the immediate urge to throw it up (i’m bulimic). I look this good for a reason. Not to mention daddy paid for me to get plastic surgery when I was in high school. So what I got a boob job before I was a fully developed teen? I got all kinds of attention! Speaking of getting attention, see how I’m sitting in my chair right now? Well, not really sitting. More like awkwardly lying in a chair with my legs somehow intertwined and propped up via the table. This shows how totally cool and fashionable I am. Forget sitting like normal folks in chairs, I’m so jaded by normality. Watch me break the boundaries of spacial relations by sitting like this. I’m an avant-garde sitter, sitting upright is so Duchamp. Wait what? He is considered an avant-garde artist? Oh shit. Um…you got me, I was drunk that day during Art History seminar.
But seriously, who cares about art history. Art history is like sitting upright in your chair. Lets go party like artists instead! That means we do body shots and blow, right?
Example #2
I don’t know if you know this about me, but I know everything. See that guy over there? I know him. He’s a big deal. Therefore I’m a big deal because I know him. Speaking of knowing people, one of the biggest gallery owners in the city offered me a job but I turned it down to become a fashion photographer. That’s where it’s at these days. It’s the highest sought after job for a photographer; and I know people. By the way, I’m bisexual. I think. That makes me different right? I’m so different.
“This is the last straw,” said one art historian working at the Louvre, who declined to be named. “Someone should probably refill that straw holder, I took the last on for my milkshake.”
Art lovers and Parisians alike are freaking out. Apparently America’s favorite fast-food restaurant is moving into a place previously considered “high-brow”. I’m talking about the plans that McDonald’s has to open a location in the Louvre. That’s right folks, you can have your Big Mac and eat it too. Or something like that. I never really understood that term of phrase (nor do I understand that one). I digress.
Actually the restaurant is not scheduled to open in the Louvre, but instead in the underground approach to the Louvre known as the Carrousel de Louvre; so I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, the approach to the Louvre is already called a carrousel. Hearing that word makes me immediately think of this guy. Having a McD’s might actually class the joint up a little! And who cares if there is a “sub-par” restaurant close to the entrance of a museum, there are hot dog stands all around MOMA and no one complains! I guess the French don’t think that McDonald’s lives up to their culinary reputation. It’s not like Ronald McDonald himself will be pushing a food cart through the galleries shouting, “Big Mac’s, Fries, get ‘em while they’re hot!” Now yes, the pungent aroma of fast-food’s deep fryers may creep into the museum, but I’ve smelled much worse than that before. In some places around the world where museums are free, people wander in off the streets and treat their bathrooms like those at a truck stop. I’d much rather smell grease than that.
This isn’t the first time that a restaurant has been installed in or near a museum . Actually most museums have places to eat (and don’t tell me Wolfgang Puck is better than McDonald’s). The biggest problem tends to be that the typical museum dining experience is far too expensive for everyday museum goers to enjoy. Not to mention that an expensive restaurant does not bring in a different crowd of people than we are accustomed to seeing—the wealthy. So, I think this is a great idea; bring McDonald’s clientele into the museum setting. What better way to broaden the spectrum of museum patrons than offering the option of a cheap, quasi-deliscious meal. But it doesn’t sound like the Louvre is going to allow this. The museum told the Daily Telegraph it had agreed to a “quality” McCafe and McDonald’s. Quality? I’ve never heard that word used in the same sentence as anything with a “Mc” in front of it (McDonald’s, MC Hammer, M.C. Escher). What are they going to do, change the entire menu? I can see it now: Beef Tartar, Escargot Nuggets, Le Big Mac’s and of course French Fries (or would they be called Freedom Fries considering its an American company).
So I say, get off your high horse elitist art world types and quit complaining. I don’t complain about all the fancy restaurants at museums that I can’t afford (ok, maybe I do). Let’s give back to the community a little and let every man, woman and child enjoy an affordable meal before paying out the ass to enter the fucking museum.
Artist needed for Adult Book Drawings (Pittsburgh)
Original URL: [http://tinyurl.com/ycbjybp]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-09-25, 7:22AM EDT
I am looking for an artist who would be willing to draw adult situations for inserting within the pages of an adult novel. The images would be bisexual in nature with more focus on homosexuality. There is a need for about 10 drawings to be used within the book that would be e-published. I am looking for colored artwork to use that I would give you detailed information as to the scene and pictures of who the models should look like; however would also entertain black and white drawings only. The pictures should be realistic in nature, not warped/anime style. Your compenstation would be paid by picture a stipid, and partial percentage of sales of the e-book. If you have talent in 3-d graphic design that would be helpful too as I am intending to also work a website with similar themed art in which you would own a share of and could sell your art through the site. If you are interested please let me know right away.
Artist needed for Adult Book Drawings (Pittsburgh)
Original URL: [http://tinyurl.com/ycbjybp]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-09-25, 7:22AM EDT
I am looking for an artist who would be willing to draw adult situations for inserting within the pages of an adult novel. The images would be bisexual in nature with more focus on homosexuality. There is a need for about 10 drawings to be used within the book that would be e-published. I am looking for colored artwork to use that I would give you detailed information as to the scene and pictures of who the models should look like; however would also entertain black and white drawings only. The pictures should be realistic in nature, not warped/anime style. Your compenstation would be paid by picture a stipid, and partial percentage of sales of the e-book. If you have talent in 3-d graphic design that would be helpful too as I am intending to also work a website with similar themed art in which you would own a share of and could sell your art through the site. If you are interested please let me know right away.
A start-up company is seeking an artist to design rocker apparel. Designs will be for high-end stage-wear.
Looking for a true artist that is outside the box, not normal, doesn’t fit well amongst society and is extremely creative! (the right artist should be able to understand this statement)
Please email your portfolio or work you have done for consideration.
This will be an amazing opportunity is someone is found here in the inland empire that meets our requirements.
Rocker Artist (Temecula)
Original URL: [http://tinyurl.com/m4sgpw]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-09-17, 6:39AM PDT
A start-up company is seeking an artist to design rocker apparel. Designs will be for high-end stage-wear. Looking for a true artist that is outside the box, not normal, doesn’t fit well amongst society and is extremely creative! (the right artist should be able to understand this statement).
Please email your portfolio or work you have done for consideration. This will be an amazing opportunity if someone is found here in the inland empire that meets our requirements.
August. We have officially entered that time of summer when people begin to complain about how fast summer has gone by, how soon fall and inevitably winter will be here, and how dreadfully hot it is outside instead of enjoying the scantily clad ladies, outdoor drinking festivities, ass crack sweat, wiffleball tournaments, nude naps, lemonade stands, charred encased meats, the delightful combination of swimming suits and water, and that one annoying song that plays on the radio every 5 minutes that comes to define this solstice (Boom Boom Pow). I for one will not complain, as I see August not as sign of the end of good times, but as a sign to throw this party into overdrive. Fuck, if I am not arrested by the end of the month for skinny-dipping in my neighbor’s kiddy pool while trying to win a game of Marco Polo versus my bottle of Jack Daniels, I will consider all lost.
But seriously, summer is awesome. And while it should be all fun and games, we need not lose focus here people. We cannot let our brains turn to mush like we did when we were in elementary school where once summer was over we needed 7 months to re-teach us everything we forgot from the previous 10 months. Really though, do you think Michael Israel takes the summer off from tanning, bikini waxing, masturbating in the mirror, and working on his Michael Jackson / Farrah Fawcett / Walter Cronkite memorial painting? NO! Where would that put him once corporate event season came around in a few moths, shirtless dripping of paint and sweating in front of the same old 9-11 tribute canvas, that’s where. Because we need to keep you on the top of today’s game as well, art is hard has created yet another art quiz to keep your minds sharp as tacks and full of fruitful art trivia. As always study each current event question and click the answer you feel to be correct. If you are right, instant confirmation, if you are wrong you will be taken away via interspaceweb magic to learn more about your educational opportunities. Ready, break.
What large footwear manufacturer created a special edition sneaker for what graffiti artist?
Adidas for Lee Quinones
Reebok for Basquiat
Crocs for Shepard Fairey
Nike for Keith Haring
According to Cremation Solutions by “combining art and the very latest in technology,” what is the, “new and exciting way to memorialize your loved one”?
Laser Tombstones
Personal Urns
Lifelike Mannequins
Yearly Animated Shorts of the Deceased
Damien Hirst has found himself in trouble once again with animal rights campaigners PETA, this time for what?
creating a petting zoo of taxidermied animals on the endanger species list for his upcoming show in Canada
making a series of wigs for his piece “For the Love of God” from the hair of monkeys at the London Zoo.
plastering a bike for Lance Armstrong with the wings of actual butterflies
killing something and calling it art
What “appropration” artist just bought an $11.5 Million Upper East Side Mansion in Manhattan?
Cory Archangel
Sherrie Levine
Christian Marclay
Richard Prince
Wired magazine recently likened a team of art conservationists to what popular 1980s TV show?
The A-Team
Airwolf
Charles in Charge
Saved by the Bell
Speaking of art conservation, which modern artist is currently enjoying their own restorations?
Frank Lloyd Wright
Dan Flavin
Lee Bontecou
Diego Rivera
What job, typically associated with sex, has found its way into the Berlin art scene though in a completely un-sexual form?
Escort Services
Sex Phone Operator
Erotic Letter Writer
Prostitute
Using a piece of cardboard and an iPhone, a University of Cincinnati student created a what?
Portable Phone Booth
Video Game Console
Document Scanner
iPhone with cardboard taped to it
What aging female artist recently graced the pages of Vogue Magazine?
Louis Bourgeois
Yoko Ono
Cindy Sherman
Sally Mann
There is an artist currently creating unusual paintings of Obama naked with Unicorns?
True
False
Enjoy the rest of your summer but remember, don’t borrow my car and absolutely no boys while I am away.
August. We have officially entered that time of summer when people begin to complain about how fast summer has gone by, how soon fall and inevitably winter will be here, and how dreadfully hot it is outside instead of enjoying the scantily clad ladies, outdoor drinking festivities, ass crack sweat, wiffleball tournaments, nude naps, lemonade stands, charred encased meats, the delightful combination of swimming suits and water, and that one annoying song that plays on the radio every 5 minutes that comes to define this solstice (Boom Boom Pow). I for one will not complain, as I see August not as sign of the end of good times, but as a sign to throw this party into overdrive. Fuck, if I am not arrested by the end of the month for skinny-dipping in my neighbor’s kiddy pool while trying to win a game of Marco Polo versus my bottle of Jack Daniels, I will consider all lost.
But seriously, summer is awesome. And while it should be all fun and games, we need not lose focus here people. We cannot let our brains turn to mush like we did when we were in elementary school where once summer was over we needed 7 months to re-teach us everything we forgot from the previous 10 months. Really though, do you think Michael Israel takes the summer off from tanning, bikini waxing, masturbating in the mirror, and working on his Michael Jackson / Farrah Fawcett / Walter Cronkite memorial painting? NO! Where would that put him once corporate event season came around in a few moths, shirtless dripping of paint and sweating in front of the same old 9-11 tribute canvas, that’s where. Because we need to keep you on the top of today’s game as well, art is hard has created yet another art quiz to keep your minds sharp as tacks and full of fruitful art trivia. As always study each current event question and click the answer you feel to be correct. If you are right, instant confirmation, if you are wrong you will be taken away via interspaceweb magic to learn more about your educational opportunities. Ready, break.
Which large footwear manufacturer created a special edition sneaker for what graffiti artist?
According to Cremation Solutions by “combining art and the very latest in technology,” what is the, “new and exciting way to memorialize your loved one”?
Original URL: [http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/tlg/1218083689.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-06-12, 12:27PM EDT
My son is turning 16 and really wanted Lil Wayne to perform for his birthday gala. Unfortunately his schedule will not permit him to make it. I need a Lil Wayne impersonator desperately.
Here is the kicker my son is blind so you do not need to look like the rapper just sound like him. I understand he grunts and mumbles a lot. I don’t care if you are 67 and Jewish if you can sing the songs you’re hired. Money is not an issue. Name your price. Interested individuals please let me know your rap experience, video of you performing as Lil Wayne would be better. If that is not feasible we can arrange for a live audition.
Serious inquiries only, this is very important to my family. Young Money Baby!
My son is turning 16 and really wanted Lil Wayne to perform for his birthday gala. Unfortunately his schedule will not permit him to make it. I need a Lil Wayne impersonator desperately.
Here is the kicker my son is blind so you do not need to look like the rapper just sound like him. I understand he grunts and mumbles a lot. I don’t care if you are 67 and Jewish if you can sing the songs you’re hired. Money is not an issue. Name your price. Interested individuals please let me know your rap experience, video of you performing as Lil Wayne would be better. If that is not feasible we can arrange for a live audition.
Serious inquiries only, this is very important to my family. Young Money Baby!
Seriously though, how is it already June? It seems as though just a few days ago I was reviewing what I wasn’t going to miss of 2008 and as well as making my predictions for 2009. And while it seems as though, for the most part, we may have officially gotten rid of one “street artist” (Banksy), another (Shepard Fairey) sure is making sure he is in the news enough every week to make me want to punch babies… again. From suing the news, to being arrested for having a terrible show in Boston, to taking a job writing for left wing nutters, to designing the ugliest thing to be pedaled around Italy since… well… ever, Mr. Fairey is trying to make his 15 minutes of fame reviewable in one easy segment of VH1’s hit TV show “Best Year Ever.”
Sorry, enough of Mr. Fairey. Has anyone been keeping track of my record for my predictions for 2009? Who am I kidding, of course you have. If this (Wow, who knew Wyeth was still alive?! I mean, my condolences to the family), this, and this show you anything, its that I will have guessed 12 out of 10 predictions by years end (you know numbers 9 and 8 are bound to happen, twice).
Its that last “this” that I would like to spend the most amount of time with today (yes, I am going to write more), the opening of a new modern wing at the Art Institute of Chicago. If you have spent anytime in Chicago over the last few months, not only would you have seen that evidently Modernism didn’t die 30 years ago, but obviously Chicago invented it. So excited by this news was I that I quit my job, uprooted all of my family, sold all of my investments, and put my estate up for sale on craigslist in order to move to Chicago. Was this the smartest decision? No one can really be certain but with our nation’s current financial situation, I am going to say maybe.
So when the new Modern Wing opened you could put money on it that I was there as the doors cracked and began to let people in. You would also loose that money, as I chose to sleep in that day. Instead, I made my pilgrimage on the typically free day of Thursday. Now you are asking yourself, Bruce, isn’t against your own rules to go to a museum and not pay the mandatory entry fee? Typically yes. But, when the museum is having a free week, and there is an always-free day, as there was in this case, that sir is double jeopardy and proceed with caution.
The Art Institute of Chicago’s “Front Door”
(notice the “free admission” is only slightly more important than cheering for the Chicago Blackhawks)
Deciding to enter the museum through its traditional entrance, I ended up backdooring the new wing (which was slightly uncomfortable at first but ended up being quite enjoyable, though it should be used only on special occasions). I suggest that first timers take the front entrance, which can be found by cart wheeling your way through beautiful Millennium Park.
Griffin Court as seen from the Modern Wings “Backdoor Entrance”.
So how is the new wing? Beautiful. The galleries build as you make your way through out. As you make your way from the second floor to you third, inevitably you will find yourself thinking, to yourself, “They built a whole new wing for this?” “Where is the ‘art’.” and “I could really go for a sandwich right about now.” Its right about then that the museum steps it up a notch. I am not saying what is on the first and second floor in anyway should be skipped over, but I do think that the new wing is a lot like good sex. The first two floors get you in the mood, they are the foreplay, and they are the make out session where you end up wondering if its going to go anywhere interesting and then it when it does you ponder why you ever questioned it to begin with while simultaneously praying for it not to end. When it does end, it climaxes, and both you and the museum sit in a stunned silence overlooking Millennium Park and downtown Chicago.
My Kind of View.
But who goes to a museum for the view outside from inside it? The real testament is the art inside. If the way in which the museum is built is it curves, its beauty, and the what lies on its walls is its brains, than the Art Institute is the hot professor you always wanted to make out with after class but never had the testicular fortitude to ask out. There really is something there for everyone. Big names and new comers, well know pieces and ones you have never heard of, pieces that are nice to look at and stuff that makes you think, things to show the kids and images that you don’t feel right looking at in public, art that you feel as though you could have made and art that you just know that was made by someone so much smarter than you it kind of feels good. As always there are standouts and to give you a better idea of what I liked about it on my first visit by handing out awards. While the winners won’t “technically” win anything sleep well my little dogs of war basking in your achievement. Without further ado here are the “Best of The Art Institute of Chicago’s New Modern Wing.” Enjoy.
Best Show to Open your Brand Spankin’ New Modern Wing with – Cy Twombly: The Natural World, Selected Works 2000–2007. This is a really good show, as it gives a scope of Twombly’s work but by showing newer imagery and sculptures. Seriously, if I can ever afford nice art I am buying a Twombly canvas.
Jeff Wall, The Flooded Grave, 1998-2000
Best Ironic Placement for a Piece of Art – Jeff Wall, The Flooded Grave, 1998-2000 for its placement right outside the photography galleries.
art.
Best Piece of Art that you originally think is something the Museum accidentally left up after instillation only for you to realize that it’s a piece of art after you have stopped caring – The gray paper that’s up in the photography gallery by I forget the name because I didn’t write it down because I didn’t care.
Best joke played on the Museum by the The Modern Wing’s architect Renzo Piano – Having only one entrance/exit to the seems-a-bit-too-large Architecture and Design collection.
Best spot to stand and listen to people say, “Oh well I could have done this.” – The Ellsworth Kelly gallery in the Contemporary Collection.
Best spot to stand and listen to people say, “What the fucks this?” – The Robert Gober room in the Contemporary Collection.
Bruce Nauman, Clown Torture, 1987.
Best gallery to take you kids in to insure future psychiatric appointments – Bruce Nauman, Clown Torture, 1987.
Best planning by someone smart – Placing sculptures beside the windows through out the window lit galleries, as sunlight will less adversely affect sculptures as compared to paintings and photographs.
Felix Gonzalez-Torres, Untitled (Portrait of Ross in L.A.), 1991.
Best spot for a mid-viewing snack – Felix Gonzalez-Torres, Untitled (Portrait of Ross in L.A.), 1991. This is one of those pieces I have always wanted to see and was tickled pink when I finally happened that I giggled like a schoolgirl at a Jonas Brothers concert. Also, I took about 12 pieces.
Best overt phallus – Nichols Bridgeway. This award almost went to Constantin Brancusi as always, but after a last minute jaunt across the bridge on my exit and I had to immediately go home for a cold shower I felt so dirty.
Best Modern Art piece that should be somewhere in the new wing but isn’t – Edward Hopper, Nighthawks, 1942. Is it not there because the Museum needed a reason to continue to draw crowds back into the old museum? I have no clue but it is sadly missed.
So there you have it. To the losers I say, just try harder next time. I may be back on Friday so step your game up a bit and I may just find you worthy of something. And to the winners congrats, especially the city of Chicago, you have found yourself one fine piece of ass… I mean museum.
Sorry, enough of Mr. Fairey. Has anyone been keeping track of my record for my predictions for 2009? Who am I kidding, of course you have. If this (Wow, who knew Wyeth was still alive?! I mean, my condolences to the family), this, and this show you anything, its that I will have guessed 12 out of 10 predictions by years end (you know numbers 9 and 8 are bound to happen, twice).
Its that last “this” that I would like to spend the most amount of time with today (yes, I am going to write more), the opening of a new modern wing at the Art Institute of Chicago. If you have spent anytime in Chicago over the last few months, not only would you have seen that evidently Modernism didn’t die 30 years ago, but obviously Chicago invented it. So excited by this news was I that I quit my job, uprooted all of my family, sold all of my investments, and put my estate up for sale on craigslist in order to move to Chicago. Was this the smartest decision? No one can really be certain but with our nation’s current financial situation, I am going to say maybe.
So when the new Modern Wing opened you could put money on it that I was there as the doors cracked and began to let people in. You would also lose that money, as I chose to sleep in that day. Instead, I made my pilgrimage on the typically free day of Thursday. Now you are asking yourself, Bruce, isn’t against your own rules to go to a museum and not pay the mandatory entry fee? Typically yes. But, when the museum is having a free week, and there is an always-free day, as there was in this case, that sir is double jeopardy and proceed with caution.
The Art Institute of Chicago’s “Front Door”
(notice the “free admission” is only slightly more important than cheering for the Chicago Blackhawks)
Deciding to enter the museum through its traditional entrance, I ended up backdooring the new wing (which was slightly uncomfortable at first but ended up being quite enjoyable, though it should be used only on special occasions). I suggest that first timers take the front entrance, which can be found by cart wheeling your way through beautiful Millennium Park.
Griffin Court as seen from the Modern Wings “Backdoor Entrance”.
So how is the new wing? Beautiful. The galleries build as you make your way throughout. As you make your way from the second floor to the third, inevitably you will find yourself thinking, “They built a whole new wing for this?” “Where is the ‘art’.” and “I could really go for a sandwich right about now.” It’s right about then that the museum steps it up a notch. I am not saying what is on the first and second floor in anyway should be skipped over, but I do think that the new wing is a lot like good sex. The first two floors get you in the mood, they are the foreplay, and they are the make out session where you end up wondering if its going to go anywhere interesting and then it when it does you ponder why you ever questioned it to begin with while simultaneously praying for it not to end. When it does end, it climaxes, and both you and the museum sit in a stunned silence overlooking Millennium Park and downtown Chicago.
My Kind of View.
But who goes to a museum for the view outside from inside it? The real testament is the art inside. If the way in which the museum is built is its curves, its beauty, and what lies on its walls is its brains, then the Art Institute is the hot professor you always wanted to make out with after class but never had the testicular fortitude to ask out. There really is something there for everyone. Big names and new comers, well know pieces and ones you have never heard of, pieces that are nice to look at and stuff that makes you think, things to show the kids and images that you don’t feel right looking at in public, art that you feel as though you could have made and art that you just know that was made by someone so much smarter than you it kind of feels good. As always there are standouts and to give you a better idea of what I liked about it on my first visit, I’m handing out awards. While the winners won’t “technically” win anything sleep well my little dogs of war basking in your achievement. Without further ado here are the “Best of The Art Institute of Chicago’s New Modern Wing.” Enjoy.
Best Show to Open your Brand Spankin’ New Modern Wing with – Cy Twombly: The Natural World, Selected Works 2000–2007. This is a really good show, as it gives a scope of Twombly’s work but by showing newer imagery and sculptures. Seriously, if I can ever afford nice art I am buying a Twombly canvas.
Jeff Wall, The Flooded Grave, 1998-2000
Best Ironic Placement for a Piece of Art – Jeff Wall, The Flooded Grave, 1998-2000 for its placement right outside the photography galleries.
art.
Best Piece of Art that you originally think is something the Museum accidentally left up after instillation only for you to realize that it’s a piece of art after you have stopped caring – The gray paper that’s up in the photography gallery by I forget the name because I didn’t write it down because I didn’t care.
Best joke played on the Museum by the The Modern Wing’s architect Renzo Piano – Having only one entrance/exit to the seems-a-bit-too-large Architecture and Design collection.
Best spot to stand and listen to people say, “Oh well I could have done this.” – The Ellsworth Kelly gallery in the Contemporary Collection.
Robert Gober, Untitled, 1994-95
Best spot to stand and listen to people say, “What the fucks this?” – The Robert Gober room in the Contemporary Collection.
Bruce Nauman, Clown Torture, 1987.
Best gallery to take you kids in to insure future psychiatric appointments – Bruce Nauman, Clown Torture, 1987.
Best planning by someone smart – Placing sculptures beside the windows through out the window lit galleries, as sunlight will less adversely affect sculptures as compared to paintings and photographs.
Felix Gonzalez-Torres, Untitled (Portrait of Ross in L.A.), 1991.
Best spot for a mid-viewing snack – Felix Gonzalez-Torres, Untitled (Portrait of Ross in L.A.), 1991. This is one of those pieces I have always wanted to see and was tickled pink when I finally happened that I giggled like a schoolgirl at a Jonas Brothers concert. Also, I took about 12 pieces.
Best overt phallus – Nichols Bridgeway. This award almost went to Constantin Brancusi as always, but after a last minute jaunt across the bridge on my exit and I had to immediately go home for a cold shower I felt so dirty.
Best Modern Art piece that should be somewhere in the new wing but isn’t – Edward Hopper, Nighthawks, 1942. Is it not there because the Museum needed a reason to continue to draw crowds back into the old museum? I have no clue but it is sadly missed.
So there you have it. To the losers I say, just try harder next time. I may be back on Friday so step your game up a bit and I may just find you worthy of something. And to the winners congrats, especially the city of Chicago, you have found yourself one fine piece of ass… I mean museum.
I use a Bullworker to utilize isometric exercise. The tool requires 24 different exercises compressing the tool in different positions. The positions are shown on a chart. I find the chart very boring. I have a taste for homoerotic art. I’m oldschool. My favorite will always be Tom of Finland. I’m looking for an artist to redraw the chart, independent of the old chart, but showing the correct exercises with one or many different hot guys, or a homoertoic theme, whatever. I’m open to ideas. I’d like Rocco Sartorio to do it but his phone number is changed. Please submit a sample of your work and I will contact you if your art speaks to me. Kerry
I Have print shop dont quite understand I have a magazine comming out in July I will pay someone to teach how to do it I been designing ads with word can you help
BAM! Take that multi-million dollar institution.
The Art Institute of Chicago’s “Front Door”
Griffin Court as seen from the Modern Wings “Backdoor Entrance”.
My Kind of View.
Jeff Wall, The Flooded Grave, 1998-2000
art.
Robert Gober, Untitled, 1994-95
Felix Gonzalez-Torres, Untitled (Portrait of Ross in L.A.), 1991.
