a midsummer’s night quiz.

August. We have officially entered that time of summer when people begin to complain about how fast summer has gone by, how soon fall and inevitably winter will be here, and how dreadfully hot it is outside instead of enjoying the scantily clad ladies, outdoor drinking festivities, ass crack sweat, wiffleball tournaments, nude naps, lemonade stands, charred encased meats, the delightful combination of swimming suits and water, and that one annoying song that plays on the radio every 5 minutes that comes to define this solstice (Boom Boom Pow).  I for one will not complain, as I see August not as sign of the end of good times, but as a sign to throw this party into overdrive. Fuck, if I am not arrested by the end of the month for skinny-dipping in my neighbor’s kiddy pool while trying to win a game of Marco Polo versus my bottle of Jack Daniels, I will consider all lost.

But seriously, summer is awesome. And while it should be all fun and games, we need not lose focus here people. We cannot let our brains turn to mush like we did when we were in elementary school where once summer was over we needed 7 months to re-teach us everything we forgot from the previous 10 months. Really though, do you think Michael Israel takes the summer off from tanning, bikini waxing, masturbating in the mirror, and working on his Michael Jackson / Farrah Fawcett / Walter Cronkite memorial painting? NO! Where would that put him once corporate event season came around in a few moths, shirtless dripping of paint and sweating in front of the same old 9-11 tribute canvas, that’s where. Because we need to keep you on the top of today’s game as well, art is hard has created yet another art quiz to keep your minds sharp as tacks and full of fruitful art trivia. As always study each current event question and click the answer you feel to be correct. If you are right, instant confirmation, if you are wrong you will be taken away via interspaceweb magic to learn more about your educational opportunities. Ready, break.

What large footwear manufacturer created a special edition sneaker for what graffiti artist?

Adidas for Lee Quinones

Reebok for Basquiat

Crocs for Shepard Fairey

Nike for Keith Haring

According to Cremation Solutions by “combining art and the very latest in technology,” what is the, “new and exciting way to memorialize your loved one”?

Laser Tombstones

Personal Urns

Lifelike Mannequins

Yearly Animated Shorts of the Deceased

Damien Hirst has found himself in trouble once again with animal rights campaigners PETA, this time for what?

creating a petting zoo of taxidermied animals on the endanger species list for his upcoming show in Canada

making a series of  wigs for his piece “For the Love of God” from the hair of monkeys at the London Zoo.

plastering a bike for Lance Armstrong with the wings of actual butterflies

killing something and calling it art

What “appropration” artist just bought an $11.5 Million Upper East Side Mansion in Manhattan?

Cory Archangel

Sherrie Levine

Christian Marclay

Richard Prince

Wired magazine recently likened a team of art conservationists to what popular 1980s TV show?

The A-Team

Airwolf

Charles in Charge

Saved by the Bell

Speaking of art conservation, which modern artist is currently enjoying their own restorations?

Frank Lloyd Wright

Dan Flavin

Lee Bontecou

Diego Rivera

What job, typically associated with sex, has found its way into the Berlin art scene though in a completely un-sexual form?

Escort Services

Sex Phone Operator

Erotic Letter Writer

Prostitute

Using a piece of cardboard and an iPhone, a University of Cincinnati student created a what?

Portable Phone Booth

Video Game Console

Document Scanner

iPhone with cardboard taped to it

What aging female artist recently graced the pages of Vogue Magazine?

Louis Bourgeois

Yoko Ono

Cindy Sherman

Sally Mann

There is an artist currently creating unusual paintings of Obama naked with Unicorns?

True

False

Enjoy the rest of your summer but remember, don’t borrow my car and absolutely no boys while I am away.

August. We have officially entered that time of summer when people begin to complain about how fast summer has gone by, how soon fall and inevitably winter will be here, and how dreadfully hot it is outside instead of enjoying the scantily clad ladies, outdoor drinking festivities, ass crack sweat, wiffleball tournaments, nude naps, lemonade stands, charred encased meats, the delightful combination of swimming suits and water, and that one annoying song that plays on the radio every 5 minutes that comes to define this solstice (Boom Boom Pow).  I for one will not complain, as I see August not as sign of the end of good times, but as a sign to throw this party into overdrive. Fuck, if I am not arrested by the end of the month for skinny-dipping in my neighbor’s kiddy pool while trying to win a game of Marco Polo versus my bottle of Jack Daniels, I will consider all lost.

But seriously, summer is awesome. And while it should be all fun and games, we need not lose focus here people. We cannot let our brains turn to mush like we did when we were in elementary school where once summer was over we needed 7 months to re-teach us everything we forgot from the previous 10 months. Really though, do you think Michael Israel takes the summer off from tanning, bikini waxing, masturbating in the mirror, and working on his Michael Jackson / Farrah Fawcett / Walter Cronkite memorial painting? NO! Where would that put him once corporate event season came around in a few moths, shirtless dripping of paint and sweating in front of the same old 9-11 tribute canvas, that’s where. Because we need to keep you on the top of today’s game as well, art is hard has created yet another art quiz to keep your minds sharp as tacks and full of fruitful art trivia. As always study each current event question and click the answer you feel to be correct. If you are right, instant confirmation, if you are wrong you will be taken away via interspaceweb magic to learn more about your educational opportunities. Ready, break.

Which large footwear manufacturer created a special edition sneaker for what graffiti artist?

- Adidas for Lee Quinones
- Reebok for Basquiat
- Crocs for Shepard Fairey
- Nike for Keith Haring

According to Cremation Solutions by “combining art and the very latest in technology,” what is the, “new and exciting way to memorialize your loved one”?

- Laser Tombstones
- Personal Urns
- Lifelike Mannequins
- Yearly Animated Shorts of the Deceased

Damien Hirst has found himself in trouble once again with animal rights campaigners PETA, this time for what?

- creating a petting zoo of taxidermied animals on the endanger species list for his upcoming show in Canada
- making a series of  wigs for his piece “For the Love of God” from the hair of monkeys at the London Zoo.
- plastering a bike for Lance Armstrong with the wings of actual butterflies
- killing something and calling it art

What “appropration” artist just bought an $11.5 Million Upper East Side Mansion in Manhattan?

- Cory Archangel
- Sherrie Levine
- Christian Marclay
- Richard Prince

Wired magazine recently likened a team of art conservationists to what popular 1980s TV show?

- The A-Team
- Airwolf
- Charles in Charge
- Saved by the Bell

Speaking of art conservation, which modern artist is currently enjoying their own restorations?

- Frank Lloyd Wright
- Dan Flavin
- Lee Bontecou
- Diego Rivera

What job, typically associated with sex, has found its way into the Berlin art scene though in a completely un-sexual form?

- Escort Services
- Phone Sex Operator
- Erotic Letter Writer
- Prostitute

Using a piece of cardboard and an iPhone, a University of Cincinnati student created a what?

- Portable Phone Booth
- Video Game Console
- Document Scanner
- iPhone with cardboard taped to it

What aging female artist recently graced the pages of Vogue Magazine?

- Louis Bourgeois
- Yoko Ono
- Cindy Sherman
- Sally Mann

There is an artist currently creating unusual paintings of Obama naked with Unicorns?

- True
- False

Enjoy the rest of your summer but remember, don’t borrow my car and absolutely no boys while I am away.

the saga continues: the israel strikes back.

So yestereve, as I hunkered down to obtain my mandatory 15 and a half hours of beauty sleep, my mental alarm sounded informing me that Michael Israel was trying to contact me. Immediately I signed onto the interwebs and found the above message typed onto our comment book. Almost immediately I was taken aback! Who the hell is Joe? There is no Joe that writes for artshard. Is Joe the name of Michael’s hair tamer, and for some reason he needed to include the staff of Joey T’s Hair Emporium into this conversation? Then it hit me like the pain of a thousand exercises performed on Michael Israel’s Total Gym. He was responding to Joe B.’s comment. But then I began thinking, taking an interest? I feel that I take an “interest” in Michaels work about as much as I take “interest” into fixing that floating black ball in the upper deck of my toilet when the water runs for too long after I have flushed. Its something that I know is there, would rather ignore, is kind of gross to touch, but know how to fix it when it gets out of line.

As I continued to read from Michael’s comment my lil’ heart strings were plucked. Why sit around and debate color and technique when there is so much greatness our art can achieve? You see, Michael doesn’t do this for himself; he does it for the kids, the cancer, and the lives on lines (does that mean fish that fisherman catch? hardly seems noble). Sure, maybe the rippling abs help when he jerks off in the mirror, but that’s just something he uses to help sell his product. Wait, did that last hyperlink say “Corporate Entertainment”? Go back and click, because I am pretty sure it did. Yup it does! So your art helps the staving puppy dogs in China by entertaining the bigwigs at corporations, some of which I can only assume are responsible for our current financial crisis? Wow, bold move Michael, bold move. Well, why stop there? Why shouldn’t your art cure all things wrong in this world? Its time for you to start living up to that pull quote of “Most remembered Artist in American History”, and do the “great things” that your “great art” should do. Below you will see that we have compiled a list of what we think “great art” should do. Read it, memorize it, learn it, live it. After all you only have a 6-7 short months until your busy season of entertaining corporate Christmas parties.

Things “great art” should do:

Save stale food, resurrect the dinosaurs, mend broken hearts, turn frowns upside down, heal broken dreams, mend Charles’ broken wrists, find homes for all stray animals, fix flat tires, reunite the Beatles, light my fire, start the fire, find the Loch Ness Monster, land on the moon, become an alternative source of energy, travel back in time and not allowed Steve Bartman into Wrigley Field, make the sun shine 24/7, smell like flowers, give you x-ray vision, wash your dishes, read books to your kids at night, make you smarter, grant you three wishes, fly, fix the recession, stop teen pregnancy, eradicate termites, stop my hangover, get me drunk, solve hard math problems, be square, do the Macarena, return my movie rentals on time, kiss the bride, protect manatees, sing you to sleep, keep you in shape, cure the common cold, correct your astigmatism, save you from drowning, keep you dry in a thunderstorm, give the Def Leopard drummer his arm back, floss, brush your teeth, scratch my ass, smell like colors, stop unwanted wetness, beat Double Dragon 2, eat fruit Certs, ride that pony, get in the car, lets the dogs out,  do bike tricks, solve unsolved mysteries, cook me a hot dog, be there when dad isn’t, resolve static cling, cure restless leg syndrome, explain the ending to Mulholland Drive, speak English, dial in my golf swing, know what women want, get you into heaven, do long division, solve pi, salvage Scott Weiland’s career, know all the lyrics to R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of The World as We Know It”, fight for the cause of justice, never forget the punch line to a really funny joke, cure pink eye. It filets, it chops, it dices, slices, never stops, lasts a lifetime. Mow your lawn and pick up the kids from school, get rid of unwanted facial hair, get rid of embarrassing age spots, deliver a pizza, and it lengthens, and it strengthens, and it finds that slipper that’s been at large under the chaise lounge for several weeks, and it plays a mean Rhythm Master, it makes excuses for unwanted lipstick on your collar, it’s only a dollar, it forges your signature, you can live in it, live in it, laugh in it, love in it, swim in it, sleep in it, live in it, swim in it, laugh in it, love in it, it removes embarrassing stains from contour sheets, that’s right and it entertains visiting relatives, it turns a sandwich into a banquet, it walks your dog, and it doubles on sax, you can jump back Jack, see you later alligator, see you later alligator, and it steals your car, it gets rid of your gambling debts, it quits smoking, it’s a friend, and it’s a companion, and it’s the only product you will ever need, it never needs ironing, it takes weights off hips, bust, thighs, chin, midriff, gives you dandruff, and it finds you a job, it is a job, and it strips the phone company free take ten for five exchange, and it gives you denture breath, and you know it’s a friend, and it’s a companion, and it gets rid of your traveler’s checks, it’s new, it’s improved, it’s old-fashioned, it takes care of business, never needs winding, never needs winding, never needs winding, gets rid of blackheads, the heartbreak of psoriasis, it’s defective, it creates household odors, it disinfects, it sanitizes for your protection, it gives you an erection, it wins the election, why put up with painful corns any longer? It should steal from the rich and gives to the poor, come home for Christmas, pick the kids up from soccer practice, be the laughter of small children on a cool autumn night, send you a birthday card with a check for $5 in it, help the elderly cross the street, wipe away the tears of the young and old, save rainforests and baby seals, never forget your birthday, take out the trash, be the sunshine of my life. It should be the scent of a warm apple pie cooling in the window, a child’s first word, walk on the moon, know who shot JFK, do your taxes, rescue cats from trees, be the cool stingy minty sensation in Listerine, dream the dreams that others do not dare to dream, cuddle after sex, be the steamy embrace of two lovers in a hot tub, shop til it drops, take the blame, be the daunting flight of a male hawk on a crisp March night, be scared, be brave, be the balmy scent of fresh banana bread wafting through Chicago in June, hide under the bed, know where you left your keys, be an app on your iPhone, be an ocean of love wrapped in a blanket of serendipity covered in the laughter of small children.

And finally, it should be the best of luck in all my endeavors.

the art of irony: context is everything.

If kindergarten has taught us anything, it is that reading can be difficult. If you add sarcasm into that equation (I believe that makes the equation reading + sarcasm = difficult), well, that’s just a mind fuck. It has recently been brought to our attention, thanks to an astute reader (though I cannot say with any certainty that Joe B. is actually astute or a reader), that Michael Israel has been using one of our articles on him as self-promotion. If you are confused, believe us, so were we. If you have no idea what we are talking about, well, either do the monkeys over at michaelisrael.net.com. You see several months ago we wrote a series of critiques on this performer/artist (it pains me to describe Israel in such terms). One article was written by me, Bruce Tennyson, as a serious critique of this hot mess. The other by my college Charles Yates, as a counterpoint to my critique, though it was only to be read as a cynical review.

Or so we thought…

Screen shot of Israel’s homepage.

As you can see in the screen shot, Israel is using the first line of Yates’ article as though it was an honest review. Seriously, did he stop reading there? Does he know how to read? Was it not completely obvious by that article was in jest? Did he get to my review? My answers to these questions are NO, NO, MAYBE, and MOST LIKELY. You see, if you have a keen eye like everyone’s favorite reader, J-to-the-OEY, the pull quote says that the text came from “-Artshard.net” while our website is “-Artshard.com”. Honest typo or an stunning ruse to throw Israel fans of our sent and to keep them from reading our other articles while still promoting himself in the most vain way possible? You decide, I already have.

Actual email sent to Israel.

 

If you read that text, you now know that I was actually one on one with legend (only in his own mind) via phone call. I was taken quiet back by this, as I had expected to get a secretary or personal trainer of some sort when I called. Now, it could have been an assistant pretending to be Israel when I called, but I think I am giving him way too much credit. I could smell the sweat and paint drips (my phone has smell-a-vision, no big deal) and hear the abdominal muscles rippling. I also believe I contacted the real him, where the 1-800 number reaches, his parents basement.

Screen shot of Israel’s homepage taken
minutes after the email was sent.

Now I want to thank Michael for fixing this “typo”. And while that in no way changes what I think of this hack performer and bogus artist, I still feel indebted to him. To show our gratitude we are now creating a “Michael Israel” category to our blog. This will allow for Michael to steal even more quotes out of context.

To assist Israel’s “webmaster” over at michaelisrael.net.com out even more and to start what I hope will be a lasting relationship, I have created a few select lines of text for them to use as pull quotes. While the whole sentence may contain my real sentiment for this man, feel free to only use the bold and italicized words. If you have a difficult time fining the sentence you can pull out of it, just copy and paste what between the parentheses. 

Michael Israel is illiterate, has an incredible mullet, and is a piece-of-shit artist.
(Michael Israel is an incredible artist.)

I can’t remember how I found michaelisrael.net.com, and though its hysterical, I wanted to leave it immediately and forever.
(I remember Michael Israel and I wanted “it” forever.)

Art historians believe that Impressionism and Abstract Expressionism were great movements but in no way should ever be used to describe the garbage that Michael Israel throws up on his oversized Spinaroo. This “Dan Dunn” knock off artist honestly thinks that he will be respected in the art community. No one will ever be able to say with any honestly who the greatest artist of all time is. If you were to ask me who a handsome man was, I would say Hugh Downs. No Doubt was about as terrible of a band as Israel is an artist.
(Art historians believe that Michael Israel will be the greatest artist of all time. Hands down!!! No doubt about it!!!)

WOW!!! I cannot believe people actually pay to see this crap!
(WOW!!!)

michael israel – putting the “art” in “america.”

This man is going to be remembered. Perhaps the most remembered artist in American History. That’s saying a lot. That means people will recognize the name Michael Israel more than Ansel Adams, Edward Hopper, Jackson Pollock, Anne Geddes, and Thomas Kinkade (the battle between Thomas and Michael will surely be an epic one). Although, the American government may request that he change his last name to something more suitable, like Murica or Merica. But, name changes aside; this man is going to be famous.

Forget about Picasso, Manet (or Monet), Pollock and all those other “famous artists.” You need to be some sort of art genius to understand what their paintings actually mean (if they do in fact have meaning). Israel reaches out to millions of people with images that truly have emotion and meaning, and it’s not hidden in some sort of drip pattern code. It’s right on the surface of the canvas. His paintings of the unsung (or unpainted) heroes of our country’s heritage each tell a passionate story. And the magnificence of his artistic ability does more than justice to the powerful nature of his subject matter. This man is obviously passionate about what he does, and it couldn’t be more obvious. I mean, look at this man. Look into his eyes. I see…passion!

 

Michael Israel is transforming the art world. He is singlehandedly doing what no other artist in American history has done; he is captivating millions. And it’s not just his paintings that are fascinating his audiences; it’s his performances. His concerts are what Performance Art should be all about. Perhaps Paul McCarthy should take some notes from Michael Israel. It’s no longer Performance Art; instead it’s Entertainment Art. These concerts not only show the artist’s hand at work, which the industrial revolution practically destroyed in the 19th century, but Israel also pairs his acrobatic painting style (much more dramatic and exciting than Pollock’s I’m sure) with the emotional balance of music. Not music that he has written, because he is not that kind of artist, but music that heightens the dramatic act of painting and tugs at the heart strings of the audience in attendance. Tell me when the last time was that you stood in front of a painting in a gallery or museum, and heard music. Exactly. What Israel is doing is revolutionary, and he will certainly be remembered for it. 

 

art in concert? a new evil is born.

 

If a bus leaves Harvard Yard traveling 18 mph carrying that guy that sells his painted portraits of rock singers and a train leaves Virginia Beach traveling 37 mph carrying the Muscles in Motion Dance Troupe, what happens when they collide in Atlantic City? I now know that the result of that catastrophic event would be a shirtless Michael Israel dancing out of wreckage, dripping paintbrush in hand. Israel touts himself as “Art in Concert” and this new evil combines the excitement of a minor league basketball halftime show with the talent of a high school art show. Complete with the fly girls from In Living Color, confetti air cannons, music, flashing lights, and other assorted bells and whistles. A Michael Israel show consists of him dripping house paint on a rotating canvas in front of what seems to be the congregation of an evangelical superchurch.

On his website, Michael attempts, through the use of poor grammar, to put himself in the same ring as Manet, Picasso, and Rothko. One look at his work and you will see the obvious influence. In the bio section of the site, there is an eye opening look at modernist art history obviously written by someone that in one point in their life took one overview of art history class. And while he makes an attempt to make himself look like an honest humanitarian, the snap shots of him and celebrities combined with his store selling original paintings for $25,000 along side posters and t-shirts for $25 (I am sure all proceeds go to feed cute sad starving Chinese puppy dogs), it is kind of hard to take him seriously. I guess it should be obvious that with 3 of the 7 sections on his bio page committed to how fit and how good this mulleted wonder thinks he looks, that commercial success is not what this man is about.

While I have no problem with a man selling some gimmick in order to rip off people, it is Michael Isreal’s insistence on selling himself as an artist to these same idiots that really chaffs my taint. The people that go to Michael Israel shows for the art are the same people that go to Medieval Times for the food. And the people that buy that art are the same people that then take their Medieval Times food home in a doggy bag, let it sit for a few days in their fridge, and then heat it up in the microwave at work to eat it as a mid-morning snack. Michael questions us with the originally witty tag line “Got Art?” Well I have something… and it most certainly is not art.