art lib: making your own art(pt. 2)

Ok Folks. It’s been about a week and I have some results. Just as a refresher, here are the terms I requested:

1. art-making medium
2. a place where things are sold (be specific)
3. your favorite book as a kid
4. body part
5. art-making tool
6. adjective
7. plural noun
8. your favorite artist
9. body part (different from before)
10. a waxy material
11. your art name

Remember those? Good. How here are the stories you all wrote: 

Jayson_b:To start, you need to pick a medium to work with. Since you are so pretentious in your ways (but don’t really know what you are doing), i’d suggest Shrinky Dinks. They are the simplest of all the art making mediums and the end result always looks like you are a master of your craft. Not to mention they sell like crazy on Craigslist. The next step is to read “Everybody Poops” for some inspiration. I’ll give you some time to do so…

Done? Ok good. Now, do you feel that? In your Thigh? That’s the art sauce flowing through your veins. Now is the time to create. So get out your Glue Gun and get to work! You don’t have much time, real artists always rush and so should you! And here’s another bit of advice, make sure you use lots of brown piggies in your art. Trust me, you can’t go wrong. Finally, to be certain your new art work is a success, you should be sure to appropriate at least one aspect from HR Giger’s work (pick any piece, they’re all the same).

Continue to work until you can’t feel your Nose Hair anymore. That’s the tell tale sign that your piece is done. Don’t let your professor or gallery rep tell you anything different. But are you finished? Not quite. You need to cover it with Pomade. Not only does this keep your piece archival, it also makes it look artsy-ier.  This will insure that your work goes straight to the top of the art world! Look out Whitney Biennial, here comes Primrose Doorknob!!

 

J.:To start, you need to pick a medium to work with. Since you are so pretentious in your ways (but don’t really know what you are doing), i’d suggest sea shells. They are the simplest of all the art making mediums and the end result always looks like you are a master of your craft. Not to mention they sell like crazy at 711. The next step is to read “Where the Wild Things Are” for some inspiration. I’ll give you some time to do so…

Done? Ok good. Now, do you feel that? In your backbone? That’s the art sauce flowing through your veins. Now is the time to create. So get out your Garage Band and get to work! You don’t have much time, real artists always rush and so should you! And here’s another bit of advice, make sure you use lots of shiny steps in your art. Trust me, you can’t go wrong. Finally, to be certain your new art work is a success, you should be sure to appropriate at least one aspect from Olivia Newton John’s work (pick any piece, they’re all the same).

Continue to work until you can’t feel your scalp anymore. That’s the tell tale sign that your piece is done. Don’t let your professor or gallery rep tell you anything different. But are you finished? Not quite. You need to cover it with crayons. Not only does this keep your piece archival, it also makes it look artsy-ier.  This will insure that your work goes straight to the top of the art world! Look out Whitney Biennial, here comes The Cafe Girl!!

 

Bruce Tennyson:To start, you need to pick a medium to work with. Since you are so pretentious in your ways (but don’t really know what you are doing), i’d suggest Feminism. They are the simplest of all the art making mediums and the end result always looks like you are a master of your craft. Not to mention they sell like crazy on Canal Street. The next step is to read “The Postmodern Condition” for some inspiration. I’ll give you some time to do so…

Done? Ok good. Now, do you feel that? In your hymen? That’s the art sauce flowing through your veins. Now is the time to create. So get out your phallus and get to work! You don’t have much time, real artists always rush and so should you! And here’s another bit of advice, make sure you use lots of hairy devils in your art. Trust me, you can’t go wrong. Finally, to be certain your new art work is a success, you should be sure to appropriate at least one aspect from John Stamos’ work (pick any piece, they’re all the same).

Continue to work until you can’t feel your taint anymore. That’s the tell tale sign that your piece is done. Don’t let your professor or gallery rep tell you anything different. But are you finished? Not quite. You need to cover it with petroleum jelly. Not only does this keep your piece archival, it also makes it look artsy-ier.  This will insure that your work goes straight to the top of the art world! Look out Whitney Biennial, here comes John-Michelle Treestump!!

 

Carol Owens:To start, you need to pick a medium to work with. Since you are so pretentious in your ways (but don’t really know what you are doing), i’d suggest Macaroni. They are the simplest of all the art making mediums and the end result always looks like you are a master of your craft. Not to mention they sell like crazy at Flea Markets. The next step is to read “Good Night Moon” for some inspiration. I’ll give you some time to do so…

Done? Ok good. Now, do you feel that? In your Thumb? That’s the art sauce flowing through your veins. Now is the time to create. So get out your Hammer and get to work! You don’t have much time, real artists always rush and so should you! And here’s another bit of advice, make sure you use lots of pastichey shoes in your art. Trust me, you can’t go wrong. Finally, to be certain your new art work is a success, you should be sure to appropriate at least one aspect from Bob Ross’ work (pick any piece,
they’re all the same).

Continue to work until you can’t feel your pointer finger anymore. That’s the tell tale sign that your piece is done. Don’t let your professor or gallery rep tell you anything different. But are you finished? Not quite. You need to cover it with Beeswax. Not only does this keep your piece archival, it also makes it look artsy-ier.  This will insure that your work goes straight to the top of the art world! Look out Whitney Biennial, here comes xxNew Jersey Princessxx!! 

 

Well done folks. Not bad for the first ever art lib. There will be more to come.

how to read an artist statement: the artist statement dictionary.

Let the rhetoric flow! Not only is it presidential debate season, but its also First Friday! Sarah Palin shocked the world last night by not falling over in a seizure of dumb by using catchwords and talking points fed to her by advisors. Similarly, artists all over the world prepare to sound intelligent tonight by throwing art words and phrases into their artist statements. Given the confusing nature of many artists’ thought patterns, it can often be difficult to understand exactly what an artist means. Add in big words taught to them in grad school (yes that’s what that degree is for) and your typical artist statement can be down right nauseating to read. To assist you in tonight’s gallery hopping, print out the following art is hard artist statement dictionary. Now you will know exactly what the artist means by “the allegory of the banal.” Thanks and have a great First Friday!

Allegory – wow I am using this word wrong.

Anti-aesthetic – it’s purposeful that this looks like garbage.

Appropriate - stolen. i.e. I could not create this myself so just took from someone else.

Archival – will last longer than you care to have it around.

Art History – typically only the Renaissance or Modern art.

Banal - purposefully boring.

Cabinet of Curiosity – closet of garbage.

Ceramics – I used to smoke a lot of pot, and wanted to make my own bowls. Then I learned I could make some extra money by selling high priced coffee mugs.

Collage – I didn’t know what else to do with my ever-growing magazine collection.

Composition - I recently learned to stop putting my subject in the middle.

Conceptual Art - Given the existing hyperbole surrounding the formation and hypothesis of my artistic imagery, one could conclude that the current populations of Homo sapiens accessible in this realm of existence do not contain the mental capacity to completely grasp the philosophy of said imagery.

Controversial Art – 1. I stick things in my private areas. 2. I am mad at Christianity. 3. My parents were dicks.

Ephemeral – will probably break before you get it home.

Expressionism – lacking academic artistic ability, an inability to render correctly.

Feminist – see white European male.

Found Object - 1. I ran out of cash for materials so I picked this gem up on the way to the gallery. 2. I don’t know how to throw anything away. 3. You should just see my house.

Glass Blowing – see ceramics but substitute paper weights for coffee mugs.

Gicleé – this word sounded fancier than inkjet print.

Graphic Design – who are we kidding, like graphic design would ever be shown in an art gallery.

Grotesque – doesn’t mean what I think it means.

Influences – other artists who’s ideas I steal.

Instillation - Look at all the junk I could fit in this room.

Modern Art - everything created from after the renaissance to present day.

Multi Media – I am afraid of commitment.

New Media – have you seen my 12-sided die?

New Topographic – boring landscape

Nude – naked.

Photography – 1. My parents bought me this digital camera for Christmas. 2.  My dad gave me his old Pentax K1000 for my birthday. 3. I recently went on a trip to a foreign land. 4. Poor people make great subjects! 5. I wanted pictures of my girlfriend naked. 6. I don’t know how to paint.

Post- Modernism - I am not really sure what this means so I am just going to substitute it willy-nilly for contemporary art.

Psyche – thoughtless. I made this up and don’t know what it means but thought it looked neat. See art sauce.

Recycled Building Materials – my landlord was throwing this stuff away. See Whitney Biennial.

Renaissance – typically only the baroque period

Serigraph – this word sounded fancier than screen print.

Surreal – funny looking.

Street Art - pretentious litter (footnote).

Technical Jargon – any time the artist writes about the technical jargon on how their work is created, they needed to fill space on their artist statement and they don’t really understand what their work is about. See camera model, film speed, version of software program, brush size, kiln temperature.

Video Art – 1. I once was a photographer but found the video setting on my point and shoot. 2. I once was a film student but my movies were too boring.

Watercolor – I took a painting class once.

White European Male – my first boyfriend was a dick.

how to visit a gallery.

Galleries can be intimidating. Not only for the artists seeking to gain acceptance within them, but also for the visitors seeking to gain cultural stimulation through their doors. The elitist pinnacle of the art world, their sterile interiors worry most potential visitors and the smug employees found within act as gatekeepers to a holy land, accepting only of the affluent with money-a-burning. Though visiting a gallery for the layman may be a daunting task, artishard is here to assist you in your quest for a greater artistic understanding. Listed below are a few items to make you aware of before going out on your gallery crusade (you can try it out tonight, on the holiest of art nights, the “First Friday”). 

The “Gallery District”

Every city has one. Much like the ghetto, it’s a sanctioned area of the city designated for a culture to exist in, keeping it from intermingling with the others. Typically it can be found in the old meatpacking district, or seafood-packing district, or package-packing district. If you need more help, look for the area of your town that has the fewest number of public transit stops.

The Door

The door to an art gallery is constructed from a minimum of 3,758 lbs of brushed titanium and frosted glass, and attempting to open one is hard enough to make you feel like the kid from that one Gary Larson cartoon. Remember, these are the gates to the Holy Land, and opening them is meant to be a challenge. It is the second step on your journey of enlightenment. Do you push or pull? It can often be difficult to decipher because nothing would be tackier in gallery land, than labeling a door. If you think its push, its pull, if you think it’s a handle it’s a hinge, if you think it’s going to be a sliding one… surprise! it opens like a garage door. Even if you are convinced that is door, it’s actually is a piece of art and congrats you are about to get yelled at for touching it.

The Person Behind the Desk

In every other business these are called interns, but here in gallery land they are known as gallery attendants. It always looks as though they are attending nothing and is apparent they have taken a vow of silence. These magnificently dressed recent college graduates are not dangerous but are there to make you feel uncomfortable with their leering eye of disapproval. They learn the ropes of the gallery employment by numerous hours spent reading the do’s and don’t of vice and chatting on IM. Do not address them in anyway however, they are strictly there to break your sprit and as little contact with them as possible is the only way to make it out and on with your day.

The Free Stuff on the Desk

By all means take it. It is your right as much as it is a Catholic’s to receive communion. And as far as I am concerned, everything on the top of the desk is in fair play. Postcards, posters, pens, the bouquet of flowers, the artist bio, even a monograph if you are bold enough. But don’t get greedy, one item per gallery please.

The Bathroom

Every gallery must have one, regardless if they let it known or not. I mean the holiest of holies behind the desk must have somewhere to release their bladders of SmartWater. Insist on using it, and insist on remaining in there an incredibly uncomfortable amount of time for everyone involved.

The Art

If you have made it this long in your gallery experience without being asked to leave you should feel obligated to spend a little time gazing upon future masterpieces. Be sure to express yourself however, why should the artist be the only ones? Say completely obnoxious things like, “Gawd, all the galleries are showing the same controversial postmodern explorations of the figure,” “Personally I enjoy the artist’s investigation of (Sur)Realism,” and of course “…but what is it supposed to be?”

Now that you have the wisdom on how to visit a gallery get out and do it! And visit many. Keep notes, and be sure to check back on the ones you liked. “Gallerists” have “tastes” and if you liked theirs once, chances are you will like it again. And when you go back, they will know not to allow you access to the toilet and to check your pockets before you leave, but at least you will be remembered by the art community.

first friday.

The eve of first Friday is fast approaching! You have your list of galleries mapped out for [insert your city’s name here]; no dinner plans because, well there’ll be plenty of cheese for everyone and wait, what’s that…you have nothing to wear!? Well, it’s a good thing you’re an avid reader of Art is Hard because we’re here to help you suit up. 

THE ARTIST: You own this night…well, 30-50% of it depending on the gallery’s commission of your work. This is probably the simplest character of the night to dress, with only one rule to bear in mind: wear black, lots and lots of black. Just layer that stuff on— a button up shirt, sweater vest, slacks/skirt, a scarf whatever, just make sure it’s black and not navy.  In case, you’re just not sure please consider the following as guidelines or examples of how black just works.

 

Come on, it’s Bono…no?

 

THE CURATOR: You’re looking for the next big acquisition for [insert your institution’s name here], you demand respect from the groveling masses of young artist—they do the dirty work and you have the checkbook! There’s definitely gender specific wardrobe for this character. For the woman: it’s all about the giant wrap! It’s probably pashmina or some wool/knit blend from a third world country—but no question about it, it wraps around several times. Make sure you wear pants and you’re done! For the men: Make sure you smell a little, I feel scent plays somewhat of a strong role—a musky smell of rich mahogany and cigars or something—think grandpa smell without the menthol. A big ol’ fuzzy beard is a must and a well lived in suit ad you’re ready for the night!

 

Note: I know…it’s Indiana Jones and he doesn’t have a beard, but it’s when Harrison Ford was hot..come on! 

 

THE ART STUDENT:  You are way cooler than anyone there, right? And, you’re art work …way more authentic than what’s hanging on the wall! Ya, you’re awesome…but really really poor..in a really cool way, though..right? Sure. You basically just have to ride that line between homeless and rock star —sort of like you’re wearing so many layers it might be everything in you’re shopping cart ‘ehem..closet. And you’re jeans are tight….go ahead, make the people around you uncomfortable, although you must be forewarned, there will be no room for cheese in those pants! Oh, and splatter some paint on you (even if you are a photographer)..stains are a key element to this outfit.

 

Note: Ok, so it’s not a homeless man, but Dorothy from the Golden Girls rocks a ridiculous amount of layers, it seemed appropriate! 

 

THE ART PROFESSOR: The outfit for the art professor can be a combination of many things (including, but not limited to the giant wrap as worn by the curator or the monochromatic black outfit of the artist). What is most important when considering the art professor is his or her level of bitterness. The young art professor fresh out of graduate school typically has an air of …well, there’s no good way to say this..he or she thinks his or her work is better than what’s on the wall, they only teach to pay the rent and because they get a steady paycheck they feel they are better than the artists and can torment the young art students. The level of bitterness here is low, but only to be surpassed by their sense of entitlement! The seasoned professor is an easy target here. They have spent years in academia, lecturing, preparing syllabi and most importantly not making work.  Their presence at first Friday is brief and consists mainly of  postmodern critiques under their wine soaked breath.

 

And, finally you could just be this guy:

 

 

start your own art club.

 

 

Starting an art club is easy. Coming up with a catchy acronym and name for your club however, is more like painting a Pollock (not as easy as it may seem). Your name, or perhaps more importantly your acronym, has to be catchy and needs to accurately describe your group. This is important so that critics and curators can easily remember your group name when you become famous (because of course you will, isn’t that the point?). In order to expedite the fame-reaching process, I have taken the time to create some catchy new names for you. That way you can spend more time figuring out your “get famous quick” scheme (for that, I suggest you start rumors of dying animals or abortions). Here are just a few name suggestions:

NRA – National Readymade Association
KKK – Kinetic Kaleidoscopic Kitsch
NAMBLA – North American Men Building Land Art
YMCA – Young Monterey California Artisans
MOMA – Mothers Oppressing Minimalist Art
MADD – Monochromatic Artists Doing Dada
WWJD – White Women Jeopardizing Daguerreotypes
YALE – Young Artists Labeled as Elitists
DIA – Dull Installation Art
AA – Alcoholic Artists
YBA – Young Biased Artists
PETA – Painters Encouraging Truth in America
NATO – New Artists Taking Over
NYFA – Notoriously Young Fine Artists
LGBT – Latino Grandmothers Building Tableaus
RISD – Registered as Insipid Student Designers

how to attend an art museum.

Did your last girlfriend chuckle as you wrote that you were “cultured” on her Myspace survey? Can you name the 5 person art direction staff of Halo 3 but not a single artist of the last century other than that soup guy? Is the closest you have ever been to an art museum the time you visited Philadelphia in Junior High and you ran up the Rocky steps (oh, you didn’t actually know that was an art museum)? Well it looks like its time we get you out and into the “art world” with a visit to an art museum. It doesn’t really matter which one, they are all basically the same. And don’t worry it isn’t that painful, but it will go a lot smoother if you have some idea of what you are getting yourself into. Luckily for you I have compiled this list of DOs and DO NOTs. Don’t think of them so much as rules, or regulations, or laws but more as Gospel and Commandments. Stray from this list and not only could you wind up blacklisted from every museum in North America, but possibly forced to live the rest of your life as a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy test subject.

DO your research before hand. For some ungodly reason, art museums like to switch up their collections. (The exception is the Metropolitan Museum of Art. The dust is NOT a practiced Modernist display technique.) The museums that do change up there collections will do so on a whim and with no rhyme or reason. Because of this, it is possible to go to the museum and only get to see half the art due to “re-instillation” or “restoration” or “maintenance” or any other sort of fancy art word. This is the best time to go, as you only have to see half the art, but will still get to pay full price.

DO NOT pay any attention to the hours the museum is open. Some museums are closed on Sunday, some on Monday. Some close early, some close late. All of this should not faze you. Go when you want to go. There is no feeling quite likes showing up to the museum 45 minutes to close, paying full price, and having to run, actually run, through out the museum in order to “absorb” as much of the art as you possibly can.

DO pay full price when visiting the museum. Many American museums will offer a student discount, or reduced price night, or Target Free Friday Nights. Don’t fall for this, as it is a ploy to separate the poor unworthy art goers from rich clean art elite. Art is expensive, and the museum’s admission fees are the only way that these institutions can stay open. Many art directors and other curatorial staff have had to drastically cut their own salaries just to keep their museum doors open. These institutions are not the type to sell out to a corporate body like Wal-Mart or K-Mart or Target or anything, just to make a few extra million dollars. ART CANNOT BE BOUGHT… or something.

DO NOT use the coat and bag check after entering. This is only a ploy by the museums to squeeze a few more dollars out of you (even if they “say” that its free). You went shopping at Macy’s before making your way to see some lady named Whitney’s art Museum, and dammit make sure everyone sees your big brown bag. Those people that work at the coat check are of a different race and are probably going to rummage through your bag anyway. Its not like you could possibly bang it off any one of a kind art. You have one hand tightly nearly holding on to it.

DO NOT obtain a map. Some of these museums can be frikin’ huge, but is only the tourists that take maps. This is the first tell tale sign of who is a seasoned art patron and who is not. If you feel as though you must obtain a guidance sheet for your visit, at least have enough dignity to take a foreign language map and pretend you are practicing some sort of post-modern study on language barriers. It is much more honorable to spend your entire time lost in the medieval weaponry galleries than actually get to see what you want by cheating with a map.

DO NOT question why the Egyptian art sections of the museum are nowhere near the African art. These are clearly two different aesthetics and one culture has nothing to do with the other. Any art historian will be able to tell you that most likely these people came from two completely different continents.

DO point out all of the art you feel as though you yourself could have made. And make sure that everyone else in the museum is clearly aware of your abilities. Listen, you took art in high school, perhaps a drawing class in junior college. Now that your kids are older and you have some free time on your hands, you have been dabbling in watercolors and taking a pottery class. Let the other visitors know this. Maybe soon you yourself will win over an audience and become the next Monet or Manet or however they spell that guys name. I mean its not like the Modernists were dealing with the dilemma of the “artist as genius” or the “artist as professional craftsman” and were taking a stance against these concepts.

DO treat the art as if you owned it. Want your picture taken next to those funny looking ladies in the Picasso? Well you better make sure your flash fires in this low lighting. Oh it didn’t? Well continue to obstruct everyone else’s view as you fight with your wife on how this new Nikon Coolpix works (fuck, its not like it came with directions or anything! Get off his goddamn back already Janet). Oh, cool, a Johnson Pollack painting!!! Wonder what it feels like? Go ahead. Touch it. You paid your $20 entry fee, which should easily allow you to make hand love to the paintings. What’s the worst that could happen? If you smudge it, not like anyone will ever notice.

DO talk on your cell phone while walking around the museum. Remember to use a Blue Tooth headset though, as those pesky security guards may tell you to get off it. I mean, Adam and Christine are having relationship troubles and you can’t help it if you need to talk them through this. When is a better time than the present, as you make your way at an obnoxiously slow pace aimlessly through the crowded art museum?

Finally, DO visit the gift shop on your way out. You are cultured now and you did just survive (with style) your first art museum visit. What a better way to let everyone that comes to your house know this than strategically placing a $120 Constantin Brancusi monograph on your family room coffee table. Who cares if you never open it, that’s not the point really. For some reason, you kinda got a hard on when you saw that minimalist Torso of Young Man sculpture, which you took to mean that you would like all of his work. But while you are at the gift shop don’t forget to pick up a $40 color spectrum umbrella, a $55 Ben Franklin Bank from that place Rocky ran up to. Because who knows the next time you will be back? Visiting an art museum is more of a once in a lifetime adventure than a weekly learning experience.