first friday (of sorts): FFFFFFF.

Today represents the start of an age old tradition: First Friday For Fresh Fried Fish Filets. That’s right. During the span of Lent, it is customary to eat a Filet-O-Fish every friday. No, I’m not Catholic. Nor am I a fake vegetarian who thinks that fish ”doesn’t count” as meat. In a way, this is still a sacrifice (something commonly done during the forty days of lent); a sacrafice of my own health in celebration of an American delicacy. So here’s to you my fellow FFFFFFF-ers, and may all your double-filets be deliscoously slathered with an improper ratio of fish:bread:cheese:tartar sauce. God bless.

Love, your brother in Christ, Charles Yates.

how to read an artist statement: the artist statement dictionary.

Let the rhetoric flow! Not only is it presidential debate season, but its also First Friday! Sarah Palin shocked the world last night by not falling over in a seizure of dumb by using catchwords and talking points fed to her by advisors. Similarly, artists all over the world prepare to sound intelligent tonight by throwing art words and phrases into their artist statements. Given the confusing nature of many artists’ thought patterns, it can often be difficult to understand exactly what an artist means. Add in big words taught to them in grad school (yes that’s what that degree is for) and your typical artist statement can be down right nauseating to read. To assist you in tonight’s gallery hopping, print out the following art is hard artist statement dictionary. Now you will know exactly what the artist means by “the allegory of the banal.” Thanks and have a great First Friday!

Allegory – wow I am using this word wrong.

Anti-aesthetic – it’s purposeful that this looks like garbage.

Appropriate - stolen. i.e. I could not create this myself so just took from someone else.

Archival – will last longer than you care to have it around.

Art History – typically only the Renaissance or Modern art.

Banal - purposefully boring.

Cabinet of Curiosity – closet of garbage.

Ceramics – I used to smoke a lot of pot, and wanted to make my own bowls. Then I learned I could make some extra money by selling high priced coffee mugs.

Collage – I didn’t know what else to do with my ever-growing magazine collection.

Composition - I recently learned to stop putting my subject in the middle.

Conceptual Art - Given the existing hyperbole surrounding the formation and hypothesis of my artistic imagery, one could conclude that the current populations of Homo sapiens accessible in this realm of existence do not contain the mental capacity to completely grasp the philosophy of said imagery.

Controversial Art – 1. I stick things in my private areas. 2. I am mad at Christianity. 3. My parents were dicks.

Ephemeral – will probably break before you get it home.

Expressionism – lacking academic artistic ability, an inability to render correctly.

Feminist – see white European male.

Found Object - 1. I ran out of cash for materials so I picked this gem up on the way to the gallery. 2. I don’t know how to throw anything away. 3. You should just see my house.

Glass Blowing – see ceramics but substitute paper weights for coffee mugs.

Gicleé – this word sounded fancier than inkjet print.

Graphic Design – who are we kidding, like graphic design would ever be shown in an art gallery.

Grotesque – doesn’t mean what I think it means.

Influences – other artists who’s ideas I steal.

Instillation - Look at all the junk I could fit in this room.

Modern Art - everything created from after the renaissance to present day.

Multi Media – I am afraid of commitment.

New Media – have you seen my 12-sided die?

New Topographic – boring landscape

Nude – naked.

Photography – 1. My parents bought me this digital camera for Christmas. 2.  My dad gave me his old Pentax K1000 for my birthday. 3. I recently went on a trip to a foreign land. 4. Poor people make great subjects! 5. I wanted pictures of my girlfriend naked. 6. I don’t know how to paint.

Post- Modernism - I am not really sure what this means so I am just going to substitute it willy-nilly for contemporary art.

Psyche – thoughtless. I made this up and don’t know what it means but thought it looked neat. See art sauce.

Recycled Building Materials – my landlord was throwing this stuff away. See Whitney Biennial.

Renaissance – typically only the baroque period

Serigraph – this word sounded fancier than screen print.

Surreal – funny looking.

Street Art - pretentious litter (footnote).

Technical Jargon – any time the artist writes about the technical jargon on how their work is created, they needed to fill space on their artist statement and they don’t really understand what their work is about. See camera model, film speed, version of software program, brush size, kiln temperature.

Video Art – 1. I once was a photographer but found the video setting on my point and shoot. 2. I once was a film student but my movies were too boring.

Watercolor – I took a painting class once.

White European Male – my first boyfriend was a dick.

first friday art quiz: who’s who?

As the fascination with Banksy’s identity comes to a close, ask yourself, “do I really know who some of the other major players in the art world are?” If Damien Hirst were to walk by you tonight as you did the gallery rounds in Center City Philadelphia, would recognize him enough to give out a high five? If this man asked to buy one of your paintings, would you know that you are about to become an art star? Well, as you undoubtedly begin your First Friday preparations, take a little time out to better assimilate yourself with the some of these celebrities, you don’t know how it could pay off.

Study the picture, click the link to who you think it is. If you’re right, you will be confirmed. If you are wrong, well you will know it.

- An avid art collector, including the owner of the Lucien Freud that set a record auction price.

- Owner of “lets buy our trophies” football club, Chelsea.

- The photographer that got in trouble in the 90’s for putting Jesus in a vat of piss.

- Curator of contemporary sculpture at MoMA.

- The contemporary architect responsible for new Olympic stadium opening in Beijing.

- Danish Icelandic waterflower Olafur Eliasson.

- Gallery owner Matthew Marks.

- Jeff Koons’ lead fabricator Jack Franklin.

 

- Parker Posey’s stunt double for the Julian Schnabel film Basquiat.

- Copyright infringer Sherry Levine.

- Gallery owner Mary Boone.

- Wife of famed video artist Dan Graham.

- Thomas Struth

- Robert Adams

- Bernd Becher

- Jeff Wall

- Paul Reubans (no known relation to the Baroque painter Peter Paul) creator of Pee Wee Herman.

- The director of the Chicago Art Institute.

- The painter that put poopy on the Virgin Mary.

- A man you should be working on impressing.

first friday.

The eve of first Friday is fast approaching! You have your list of galleries mapped out for [insert your city’s name here]; no dinner plans because, well there’ll be plenty of cheese for everyone and wait, what’s that…you have nothing to wear!? Well, it’s a good thing you’re an avid reader of Art is Hard because we’re here to help you suit up. 

THE ARTIST: You own this night…well, 30-50% of it depending on the gallery’s commission of your work. This is probably the simplest character of the night to dress, with only one rule to bear in mind: wear black, lots and lots of black. Just layer that stuff on— a button up shirt, sweater vest, slacks/skirt, a scarf whatever, just make sure it’s black and not navy.  In case, you’re just not sure please consider the following as guidelines or examples of how black just works.

 

Come on, it’s Bono…no?

 

THE CURATOR: You’re looking for the next big acquisition for [insert your institution’s name here], you demand respect from the groveling masses of young artist—they do the dirty work and you have the checkbook! There’s definitely gender specific wardrobe for this character. For the woman: it’s all about the giant wrap! It’s probably pashmina or some wool/knit blend from a third world country—but no question about it, it wraps around several times. Make sure you wear pants and you’re done! For the men: Make sure you smell a little, I feel scent plays somewhat of a strong role—a musky smell of rich mahogany and cigars or something—think grandpa smell without the menthol. A big ol’ fuzzy beard is a must and a well lived in suit ad you’re ready for the night!

 

Note: I know…it’s Indiana Jones and he doesn’t have a beard, but it’s when Harrison Ford was hot..come on! 

 

THE ART STUDENT:  You are way cooler than anyone there, right? And, you’re art work …way more authentic than what’s hanging on the wall! Ya, you’re awesome…but really really poor..in a really cool way, though..right? Sure. You basically just have to ride that line between homeless and rock star —sort of like you’re wearing so many layers it might be everything in you’re shopping cart ‘ehem..closet. And you’re jeans are tight….go ahead, make the people around you uncomfortable, although you must be forewarned, there will be no room for cheese in those pants! Oh, and splatter some paint on you (even if you are a photographer)..stains are a key element to this outfit.

 

Note: Ok, so it’s not a homeless man, but Dorothy from the Golden Girls rocks a ridiculous amount of layers, it seemed appropriate! 

 

THE ART PROFESSOR: The outfit for the art professor can be a combination of many things (including, but not limited to the giant wrap as worn by the curator or the monochromatic black outfit of the artist). What is most important when considering the art professor is his or her level of bitterness. The young art professor fresh out of graduate school typically has an air of …well, there’s no good way to say this..he or she thinks his or her work is better than what’s on the wall, they only teach to pay the rent and because they get a steady paycheck they feel they are better than the artists and can torment the young art students. The level of bitterness here is low, but only to be surpassed by their sense of entitlement! The seasoned professor is an easy target here. They have spent years in academia, lecturing, preparing syllabi and most importantly not making work.  Their presence at first Friday is brief and consists mainly of  postmodern critiques under their wine soaked breath.

 

And, finally you could just be this guy:

 

 

the WRCAH: art’s terrorist group.

 

For the last “First Friday” post, I briefly mentioned the aging suburban closet lesbian “artist”. I feel that these women are only a part of a much more menacing whole. They belong to a sinister group whose entire reason for living long into their golden years is to dilute the arts like blood thinner medication. This association I call the Wealthy Retirees Creating Art as Hobby, or the WRCAH for short. It is very easy to spot these people, as they are often the only old people at art events that are neither professors nor art parents.

Much like any other terrorist group, these people are well funded, have friends in high places, and have way too much time on their hands. Instead of electing to migrate to warm climate and golf the rest of their days away, these non-conforming bleeding heart liberals have instead decided to live out their wildest dreams in an attempt to make it in the art world. No matter what their chosen medium may be, they are a nuisance like none other. 

If a WRCAH member chooses the photo field, they sport photo vests and every expensive camera they can get their hands on. They go out on “location” with Leicas, Hasselblads, a Mamiya with a digital back, and a 4×5 around their necks. They always have telephoto lenses because it’s such a burden to get close, and they have no idea how to work any of it. That is not the point really, they read on the blog that these are what the people for ‘Geo use, and dammit they want to go on safari.

If a WRCAH member decides to go down the path of ceramics, or “pottery” as its known in their community, then they must make everything they wear. Bracelets, necklaces, earrings, rings, broaches, jingle janglely accoutrements, it all must be hand crafted and look convincingly (yet unbeknownst to them) like genitailia. Every dinning utensil in their house also must be “thrown” by them. Who knows or cares if the glaze contains lead, it’s got a picture of Mr. Whiskers on it for heaven’s sake.

Finally there are the Painters, or Overlords, as they are known in the WRCAH community. This is the highest level of artist a retiree can obtain. For some unknown reason they smell like a combination of paint thinner and watercolors. Black is their chosen color of dress but it always will have a perfectly placed paint stain on it. The more well known you are the more pieces of clothing you get to wear, berets signify the most seasoned of veterans. They use words like “style,” “realism,” and “nifty” when speaking of their work. They also frequently confuse the word “gallery” for “studio”.

Finally, beware of the gift. The WRCAH spreads its message through gifting away their art. This not only dilutes the art world but also confuses commoners on what art is, all while spreading their dirty message. It may come in the form of a macramé bracelet, a shrinky dink magnet, or Christmas card. Have fun on First Friday, but beware of the WRCAH.

question: why don’t more homeless people attend art openings?

Jesus Christ on a bicycle its First Friday!!! That means literally tens of pretentious people from dozens of U.S. metropolitan cities will be pretending to be interested in art for an entire evening. Oh, it’s a grand event. Aging closet suburban lesbians will get dressed up in their printed wraps and funny hats. Art students will push the limits of getting a D.W.I. on a bicycle. The artists will have an absolutely horrible time failing to sell any of their work while attempting to look “Artsy”. There will be conversations just so people can hear themselves talk, and plenty of people will confuse collage for découpage. In celebration of this monthly event that only art people care about, I pose a question that I have, for a long time, pondered:

Why don’t more homeless people attend art openings?

We have all been at an art opening when the aging interracial bohemian couple enters. The crowd looks upon them in a dismissive manner as they make their way to the beverage table and partake in glass upon glass of two-buck chuck before moving on to the food table. That night’s dinner (and if they have remembered to line there pockets with plastic bags, tomorrows) will consist of plate upon heaping plate of various aged cheeses and deli meats, hummus, and assorted cookies. They could clearly care less about whatever is on the wall, and evidently do not understand the cultural significance of the ex Beatle bass player’s creations of chocolate Santa Clauses complete with oversized butt plug.

I question why these type art-opening appearances are not more widely practiced within the derelict community. It is clear that the hobo’s most sought after possessions (food, booze, drugs, etc.) are also the hardest to convince commoners to gift upon them. When a vagabond approaches a pedestrian there exists only 2 responses, and each with its particular reasoning. First, the pedestrian can give the bum a small amount of money expecting the homeless to spend this pocket-change on some item off the McDonalds value menu. Second, they could choose to ignore this vagrant, knowing that they will only take they money and purchase 40 oz’s of malt liquor, a small quantity of Sudafed, or some sort of poisonous yellowish-white substance. Yet any cultural elitist knows that one can acquire food, booze, and drugs at any Friday night art opening. Often for free!

Not only is the desired sustenance of the vagabond population abundant at art openings, but also current fashion trends illustrate that they would certainly be accepted. Any Saturday stroll through Chelsea, one becomes further confused by who are N.Y.U.’s hipsters and who is the L.E.S’s homeless. Hipsters feature shaggy unkept androgynous haircuts held in place by $6 terry cloth American Apparel headbands.  Homeless feature shaggy unkept hair held in place by the reminisce of an old shirt. Hipsters wear inappropriately fitted, extremely overpriced clothes from the 80s. Homeless wear inappropriately fitted clothes they have had on since the 80s. Obviously these fashionistas would have plenty to talk about at any contemporary cultural happening.

Finally, I would like to question why art galleries do not actively attempt to advertise to this population. Apparently they do not have the means to become artistic patrons, but if art history shows us anything it illustrates that they have the means to become artists themselves. Artistic movements like collage, ignorant art, graffiti, and even Marcel Duchamp’s entire sculptural portfolio illustrate that any vagabond has the accoutrements and knowledge to become a vastly acclaimed and highly grossing artist. After all, it is these derelicts that masturbate in public more often than Vito Acconci, shit in more cans than Piero Manzoni, and drag the rivers for more garbage than Mark Dion.